Futility

I started to write a post about how useless and inane the news stories of the day are today. But I realized that I would just be giving more attention to useless and inane stories. If it's a waste of time--it's a waste of time to write about it too.

Instead, here are few quotes from some of my favorite comedians/philosophers to brighten your Friday. Enjoy.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.--Steven Wright

When I was born my mom said they threw away the mold, of course, some of it grew back.--Emo Phillips

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.--Mitch Hedberg

I have a friend who has reverse turret's syndrome--random people just shout obcenities at him for no reason.--Emo Phillips

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.--Mitch Hedberg

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time. --Steven Wright

I once saw a forklift lifting a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.--Mitch Hedberg

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."--Emo Phillips

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.--Mitch Hedberg

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.--Steven Wright

I don't know if I was put on this earth for a purpose, but I'm fairly confident I'll be taken off of it for one.--Emo Phillips

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.--Henny Youngman

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.--George Carlin

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.--Jerry Seinfeld

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.--Chris Rock

I walked by a dry-cleaners at 3:00 in the morning and there was a sign on the door that said, "Sorry, We Are Closed." I was like, "Don't be sorry, it's 3:00 in the morning, you're a dry-cleaners...there is no need to apologize--Mitch Hedberg

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.--Steven Wright

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.--Jerry Seinfeld

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.--George Carlin

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.--Emo Phillips