Laney & Me

This morning Laney was awake surprisingly early. Lewis said to me as he was leaving for work, "Laney's waiting for you." I walked in the den to find her on the couch watching Winnie the Pooh and drinking her chocolate milk, just like she was 7 years old rather than 21 months. She grinned at me and said, "Where Daddy?" I answered, "He's gone to work." She repeated, "Daddy gonna work." I think she'll be reading and writing by next week, she's growing up so fast.

Let me share with you a little bit about this miracle who is my youngest child. You see, I take offense at the Planned Parenthood slogan, "Every child and planned and wanted child" for one reason. Laney was not planned or wanted, but she is desperately loved.

Marley was desperately wanted, especially by me. I guess I started thinking about how great it would be to have a baby about the time I was 8 or 9 years old. I'm believe I'm geared for motherhood and I've always loved babies and small children. After Lewis and I were married, I had baby-fever really bad for a long time. Lewis and I have no problem with reproduction, but I wanted him to be in a good place before we had children. When he was ready, I got pregnant fairly quickly.

We were so excited about Marley. I talked to her and sang to her and just adored every kick and stretch and roll while I was pregnant with her. I had a wonderfully easy pregnancy and though delivery was tough and ended with me having a c-section, I can say that having Marley is one of the best experiences of my life.

Marley was about 3 months old and I was late. I thought my hormones were still out of sync. But one Sunday afternoon in early April, I got sick. I just knew that I had some kind of virus and I didn't want Marley to get it, so I went to the Doctor. I had not started back on birth control yet. The P. A. that I saw was incredibly ugly to me about that fact. By the time I took the birth control test, I was nearly in tears. After I took the test, I was in tears.

I'll never forget looking at Lewis and having to tell him that we were getting ready to have another baby so soon. I remember asking him what we would do with two babies that close together. His answer was unforgettable (and one of the reasons I love him so), he said, "I don't know--love them?"

I thought I was going to lose her. In fact, I thought I wanted to have a miscarriage. But then, I had some problems early on in the pregnancy and I had to go to the doctor for an ultrasound. That little heartbeat on the screen was so strong. After that, I knew I wanted her.

At first after Laney was born, I struggled with my feelings toward her. I remember wondering if I would ever bond with her. Let me tell you, its not easy to be unsure how you feel about one of your children. You keep thinking, "do I really love this child and if I don't who will?" Lewis doesn't like it when I talk about this for obvious reasons. But I'm just being honest. Those unsure feelings passed.

Marley has always been a daddy's girl. About the time Laney was born, if I tried to hug Lewis she would get between us and push me away, so she could be close to him. She was barely talking when we had her saying, "My daddy is my sweetheart." She just adores him, and that's wonderful. I expected Laney to be the same way.

She's not. Laney is all mine. Oh, she loves her daddy. Don't get me wrong. But give her the choice, she'll pick me everytime. It goes to my head. She stands at the door of the bathroom when I take a shower and cries for me. She pushes Lewis away from me when he hugs me. She gets between me and the kitchen cabinet and pushes on my legs to get me to stop washing dishes and play with her.

She is strong-willed and defiant and just plain hard-headed--and I know full well where she gets all those traits. But she is also sweet and loving and smart and every bit as remarkable as her sister even though I didn't plan for her or ask for her like I did Marley. We couldn't afford her. We didn't know how we would take care of her. We were worried that she would ruin our happy family. And now I don't know how our family could possibly be happy without her.

Who cares if she was planned, or wanted? If I had not had her the world would have missed out on this wonderful little person. What a testimony to how much better God's plan for us is than anything we could dream up ourselves!