How To Be An Effective Two-Year Old

1. Constantly try out how you feel about things. After repeating several times that you like strawberries, adamantly insist that you don't like strawberries.

2. Always be thirsty. If mommy is seated, ask her repeatedly for something to drink. When she gets up to make a drink for you, make sure you stand at her feet and whine until handed the drink. When she gives you your sippy cup, drop it in the floor and exclaim, "Me don't like _____ (insert beverage name here)." Wait until mommy sits down. Repeat.

3. Any parental request should be met with the reply, "Me don't want to," or "My tummy hurts me."

4. Always ask the busiest parent for attention. If mommy is cooking supper and daddy is watching t.v., demand that mommy drop whatever she is doing to help you.

5. Try out new flavors. If you are given an open cup ("big girl cup") at dinner, find out how pork chops taste when dipped in grape cool aid. Insist that you have butter or ketchup on everything.

6. Immediately tear apart any item of artwork that is glued, especially if your sister made it.

7. Be outrageously cute and extremely active at any function involving grandparents, aunts & uncles or other related adults. Refuse to recite or sing any previously learned material at such events.

8. Never trust Mommy & Daddy to give you a straight answer. If they tell you "no," or "wait," or "the popsicles have to freeze before you can have one," continue to ask repeatedly.

9. If Daddy is sick and trying to rest, go bounce on his bed until he feels better.

10. Be extremely cute at all times, especially when you are asleep.