Why I Wouldn't Want to Be An Octuplet

Octuplets are large weird looking things with lots of arms that live in the water. I looked them up on wikipedia. They have suction cups all over their arms. They have beaks--beaks! Can you imagine being pecked by one of these things! They have weird, gooky-looking eyes that can see very well in low-light, but couldn't enjoy watching Grey's Anatomy so much, because they can't see colors.

Their parents are not involved in any aspect of raising them whatsoever. The fathers die shortly after mating (not much for stamina, maybe they need to eat more oysters). The mothers die shortly after giving birth, probably from exhaustion from having to try to dress something with that many arms. After birth, they float around amongst the plankton, etc.--basically living as wards of the state until they are big enough to float to the bottom of the ocean and become nature's aquarium filters.

They are extremely intelligent, but no one will ever know because the more attractive and successful sea creatures are always getting into all the good schools and beating them out for the best scholarships. In fact, many of them never even go to school. I think that's because something that ugly could be very distracting to others in the class. Come to think of it, they probably wouldn't enjoy Grey's Anatomy because they are so intelligent.

Octuplets are born, float around for awhile, mate, reproduce and die. The off-spring then repeat the process and have been doing so ever since they evolved from spider monkeys 50 million years ago. I don't think they even get internet service. They don't really cause any trouble for anyone, if you aren't plankton or whatever else they eat and as long as you leave them alone.

However, they will squirt ink whenever they get excited or angry. (I've known people who squirted worse things.) Due to this, they aren't very popular and people often confuse them for horrible things, like squid, eels, and Bill Maher.

In the movie, Pirates of the Carribean, Dead Man's Chest a giant octuplet ate the pirate ship and Johnny Depp at the end. But I don't think we can hold that against other octuplets because that was just a movie and I can't find anything in my extensive and exhaustive research that says they have a taste for talented, handsome-but-quirky movie actors that live in France, as a general rule. Come to think of it, people other than Johnny Depp that fit that description would be very hard to find. So most of us are pretty safe even if that is something octuplets might like to eat. At any rate, they don't usually get that big. I think the one in that movie must have been on steroids. That explains alot--the size, the rage, the professional wrestling career. But I digress.

Anyway, my point is that octuplets normally don't bother people very much. Except now, they're all over the news because a woman in California now has eight of them in addition to her six children. She is relying on her mother to help her raise the whole bunch and they all seem totally surprised at this development in their lives. I think people should be very concerned for these octuplets because they didn't ask to be brought into an unnatural situation and it isn't their fault that their caregivers are completely nuts. With all that they have counting against them, they are sure to have a difficult life ahead of them.

You should think very carefully about what is involved in raising an octuplet before you get one. You should be prepared financially, emotionally and have the proper kind of home in which to raise an octuplet. Once you have made the decision to raise octuplets, you should be prepared to have to take care of them yourself and not try to rely on interviews with Oprah or Good Morning America or getting a t.v. show on the Discovery Channel. After all, it is your decision. It should also be your responsibility.

But be warned, if you try to raise eight of them, you will be crazy by the time you are through, even if you weren't to start with.